Ahh... after a clinging, complaining, wet, martyred winter (and there is nothing so frustrating as a martyr who just won't bloody die) the streets are finally drenched in sunshine. The flowers are flinging open their petals to the skies like the free-wheeling sluts we know them to be and I intend to follow suit! However. It can be a bit of a shock to find oneself exposed and layer-less for the first time in months, caught in the unforgiving glare of Natural Lighting- the Unnatural Beauty's most feared nemesis. Rather than recommending lifestyle tips to try to change you- because who the fuck follows them- here are some tips to feel good this summer.
1.) Watch 80's films. Because they are awesome and for the vintage teeth. Never again will you admire your gnashers as so charmingly even and sparklingly white. Nicolas Cage, my future lover, has a particularly shocking set, but Spot-The-Veneers is a fun game to play with some surprising finds (Robert Downey Jr, anyone?).
2) Get an Instant Thigh Gap. The latest trending thinness goal is impossible even for some anorexics, depending on their skeleton. If you don't have one naturally, give up now, please. That isn't to say you can't enjoy this sign of beauty! You must simply endeavour, like Beyonce, never to be caught with your legs parallel and touching. At work you will find you look like a superhero, or possibly whore (or superwhore!) in your spread-eagled power poses. When required to move, side-lunge your way across the room. To mix things up, try the crawl popularised by the girl from The Ring.
3) The "Jolie" Balaclava! For those days when you look and feel like shit and no lying pep-talk can lift you from your pool of self-disgust and spot-popping misery- AND you have run out of milk. AND your Cheating-Ex-You-Hate-Yet-Must-Strike-With-Pained-LustRegret has moved round the corner from you. What to do? Such cosmic conundrums of facial injustice are played out every day in Tesco's across the land. Now, with the screen printed "Late 90s Angelina Balaclava", you have the power to face the day with pride, even at your most exceptionally ugly.
4) Master heat rash forever with "Thigh Slydz: Chafing. Never suffer again." This actually exists. I love that someone was so passionately committed to alleviating the discomfort of sweaty, rolling flesh rubbing together under skirts that they created a very unsexy, beige, pantless, elastic knickerbocker set. The next woman who argues that in a world without men she would still wear extensions, fake nails, short skirts and heels should spend some time in contemplation of the awful-yet-compelling aesthetic of Thigh Slydz, look deep into her soul and ask herself in all honesty if she is not even a little bit intrigued.
Allez, profitez-bien du soleil!